Brenda Stardom [ Tinnitus: It's NOT All In My Head ]

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18-11-2008 - Tinnitus: It's NOT All In My Head

Two weeks ago I woke from a nap and heard a sound that hurt my ears and I searched all over the house to see where it was coming from. I went outside thinking it could be something out there. I couldn't find the source. I asked my friend when she got home where in the world was that awful noise coming from and she said she didn't hear anything. I thought she was kidding. Nope, it was coming from my ears, or so I thought at the time.

It's been with me almost almost constantly and right now it's not buzzing, it's a high pitched sound that seems to be external; it oscillates and is like stereo going from left to right and back again. I hate it, I hate it. I woke up at 4:20 and it was barely there, so I got up, knowing if I went back to sleep it would come back very loud. However, it began to grow in volume and is now making me want to scream. Stop, stop, stop!

I had to look it up. That's when I discovered the name for this condition. I've read so much I'm baffled. I spent a long time yesterday going from site to site, forum to forum. I was stunned to find so many people suffering from tinnitus, like 50 million. What really got me was one guy writing his was a result of withdrawing from a benzodiazepen. Yikes, could this be from my Klonopin withdrawal? I thought that was over as I've been symtom free for at least 2 months. Then I read sites that recommend Klonopin as well as Xanax. Yikes again. I even read on a couple of sites warnings against using benzos. I doubt people will heed that advice because if I didn't know better, I'd be seeking one of them to stop this frigging noise.

It's so bizarre. I've had a few days where it seems to be gone, like part of yesterday until I fell asleep reading and it was back with a vengeance upon waking. I discovered that was very common. Weird, weird as hell. I know that a good night's sleep really helps. I haven't had a good nights sleep since for ages. Pills? I don't think so.

I read that getting frustrated can only exacerbate the noise, that it comes from the brain and loops. No shit. Stress plays a big role in the loudness. I will admit to being very, very stressed lately and this blasted tinnitus doesn't help. How can I be calm and learn to embrace this? I've tried to relax, tried meditating, but the sounds get in the way.

White noise is something I read a lot of people talking about. I fired up Adobe Audition and generated white noise. Then I discovered something called Atmoshere Lite that is a program that generates different sounds, like ocean, rain, jungle, etc.. I got the free version and kept it on until last night. I haven't been wearing earbuds because I've thought that could be the cause of this condition, as I listened to very loud music every early morning. I did put them in this morning to listen to the sounds from Atmosphere. I think that made things worse. The ringing wasn't anywhere as loud as it is right now.

I've read to cut out caffeine and certain foods. Then I read caffeine was ok and the foods had negligible amounts of salicylates. Nothing is the same. It's different for each individual. It could be a buildup of ear wax, it could be a tumor, yikes again, See an ears, nose and throat doctor. No way! No more doctors. Live with it? I don't think so. I even read a lot of people become suicidal, it's that bad. I read many testimonies that friends and family think it's mental. Ha, just like Gulf War Syndrome was thought to be. It's now been proven it's very real.

There are a lot of sites claiming to have a cure and of course they're all bogus. It really galls me that people would try to con people out of money for this. Taking advantage of the desperate, how cruel. I don't have a clue as to what I'm going to do. Some people have had it for years. Years? No way, no way. Two weeks is already too much. I can hear it over everything. I try to pretend it isn't there. Another ha! It seems when I do that, it worsens.

I took time out from this to look tinnitus up on Wikipedia and discovered I'm in good company, except for Hitler. Others suffering from this blasted condition are, Neil Young, van Gogh, Barbra Streisand, Pete Townsend, Jeff Beck, Eric Clapton, Steve Kilbey, John Densmore, William Shatner, Francisco de Goya, Joan of Ark and Michaelangelo. I've left some out, but wow, so many musicians and it has to be from loud noise. Actually, now that I think about it, this sounds just like being next to loud speakers and having ringing sounds for hours and hours afterwards.

I was in a terrible state,The more you worry about it, the worse it gets. I couldn't sleep or think, and I even thought about suicide.
--William Shatner

Brenda Stardom
7:33 AM